… if you just come out the slave you’ve always been
… i like waking up.
i like sitting up, reading, fading off into vague slumber.
bukowski, cohen… books about drug dealers,
people who never fell for the old
‘you gotta make something out of yourself’.
i like waking up.
the gray days, the sunny days, the busy days, the lazy days,
the sleepy days, the fluid days, the luminous days, the pitch black days,
all just waiting outside to be discovered.
to be dealt with.
i don’t deal with anything other than being reborn
from sleep. strange dreams.
about you. bangkok. weird animals creeping around. unrecognisable faces I try to pin to some memory of some long forgotten friend.
dreams about what will be dreams about what will never be. and sometimes i tell myself ‘ah you’re fucking kidding me. no way. i must be dreaming’. and that’s when you wake up.
like inception. original thought cannot be induced. the brain will recognise the source is not its own. but anyway.
i like mornings these day.
when i decide the time is right i stumble to the living room and play guitar. an hour maybe two. maybe less.. and i think hey. it’s not too bad after all.
like memories…
they come back at inappropriate moments.
old friends
like pets.
you hang on to them coz you once loved them.
even if they’re old and smelly and shit all over your
1500 dollar persian rugs.
old friends never fade.
they never evolve.
they’re old friends.
things move.
they don’t.
things transcendend.
but old friends… well…
they will always smell the same
… coz sorrow will find you anyway.
don’t look straight at the sun they say
but some days it’s all too dark and you do it anyway.
(from a song in my head:)
you came to late and you left too soon
back then on this rainy aftenoon
I found
myself alone
my bed was empty and my heart was too
and empty-eyed I was staring across this
big blue
beast
reminding me of your big blue eyes
reminding me of how they cried
when you
told me
chorus?
everywhere I go I look for you
I wish I had bucket full of super glue
to fix it all
once and for all
and i swear to the gods above
i never felt what they call love
till I
found you
but I am not the praying kind
but sometimes just before I loose my mind
I think
the god’s are cruel
for putting all those continents
between me and you, but then again
it’s noone’s fault
but mine
is hard.
leaving is easy.
but leaving gets you nowhere other than being left.
when the sun is out.
when there’s people around.
people you can pretend to relate to.
just coz it make it so much easier.
it’s so much easier
when the sun is out.
and nothing means nothing coz the skies are blue
and we are young,
nothing needs to be done
nothing wants to get done.
(maybe the washing, but that’s ok)
just a bit of living to do and that’s all.
just a little bit of loving to do
and we can do that.
can we.
it’s so much easier when the sun is out.
it’s so much easier when the skies are blue.
your own grey, your own pitch black gets watered down
when the sun is out.
there’s nothing to complain.
there’s nothing to achieve.
there’s nothing to do.
nothing else but being content.
when the sun is out.
no matter what they say.
no matter what i was meant to do.
no matter what i was meant to be.
no matter who i was meant to be.
no matter who i was meant to imitate.
it’s so much easier when the sun is out…
memories are like hang-overs.
left-overs of better days.
and time.
time’s a fair-weather friend.
never there when you need’m…
it all becomes real.
all of a sudden it all becomes not clear but real.
and it starts to mean something.
it means nothing or everything. you can’t tell.
all you know that i means something.
and you find yourself. scared. scared of the leap.
and you stand on that cliff.
it’s not even a cliff. you’re not even standing.
you’re in your most natural position. on your knees.
on your knees. not to pray. not to vomit. on your knees for no reason.
so you wait and you wonder, afraid to move. afraid not to. just afraid.
and time passes and space contracts and time stops and space expands and time just flows like it always does.
but all you know that it’s now or never. now or never. or any other stupid saying that you once heard but never got what it meant.
i have a friend. everybody has a friend. but i mean i have a friend as in i have one friend. and that’s ok. you share secrets. with a friend. and things don’t matter. you do embarassing things. and it doesn’t matter. you meet your favourite musician and you act like a 14 year old who’s just seen justin bieber’s cock. and your friend’s with you. and it doesn’t matter. you’re broke and hungry and your friend gets you a burger and a beer and it doesn’t matter. you have no book to read but your friend has one and loves it and wants it back and knows she probably wont and it doesn’t matter. a lotta people have a lotta friends. i have a friend.
your own piece of heaven can turn against you. there’s only one thing that will liberate you. there’s only one thing they can never take away. there’s only one thing that will make all men (as in people) equal. there’s only one thing that could ever mean something. walk to the end of the world. stand on the ledge. look down. don’t think twice (coz it’s alright). and take a step. and fall. and fall. and never stop falling. and that’s that. you’ve done it all. but they made it round. there’s no such place. you can only do it in little, tiny, microscopic steps. everytime everybody tells you not to ever do it. do it. and there you are. airborne. into the great void. just for a little bit. just for a tiny second. but you’re there. and they’re not.
your own little piece of heavne will turn against you. everything will turn against you. life is an endless repetition of the tiny patterns you learned. and leared to accept.
and there’s death. and there’s love. and there’s freedom. and there’s glory. and there’s peace. and there’s hatred. and there’s slavery. and there’s shame. but all there is is words. and the meaning you have been taught to attach to it.
and then.
all of a sudden.
there’s the leap.
and everything you thought you knew.
means nothing.
it’s just you.
a head full of question.
a heart full of void.
and all of a sudden.
you. it’s just you. standing there. and just. when you thought you knew it all.
just when you thought you’ve seen it all.
just when you thought you’ve heard it all.
there’s this voice in your head. and you listen. just for a second there. but it’s enought to make you think.. think.. think ‘what if’..
and you realize, when you knew it all, you just knew all about nothing. you knew nothing at all.
and there’s the leap. and you stand there. gazing down. thinking. thinking. ‘well, i would’ve’.. but you wouldn’t. and you stand there thinking. ‘well, I could’ve’. but who are you fooling. maybe yourself. but noone else.
and all of a sudden. there’s the leap. and all you do is stand and stare… like you always did.
there, there.
sleep it all off…?
sleep..
sleep until it all goes away.
sleep until summer’s back.
sleep until we run out of nights.
sleep until we run out of days.
sleep until everyone is dead.
sleep until everyone becomes alive.
why not sleep it all off?
what is there to do really anyway?
why not just sleep until the brighter days we’ve been promised?
why not just sleep and never wake up?
it’s all been said
it’s all been done
it’s all been analysed to the point where every detail hurts
it’s all been done and redone and improved and done again.
why not sleep until time runs out?
why not sleep until space contracts again?
why not just sleep it all off….
before my time,
there were no candles, there was no rhyme.
when i died before my time,
after being sentenced to death for treason,
(treason against the hearts and minds of the ones I loved)
there was no priest, no condolences, no mercy and no tomorrow.
when i died before my time,
they would not let me go…
and here i am still…
lost.. even when i died.. i did not.
